A Doll's Realization

I thought I'd be hung over for sure. Maybe even still drunk when I woke up. But honestly...nothing. You don't get hung over when you don't drink, and that's exactly what I did. I didn't drink to celebrate the signing of the lease and the handing over of the keys. To be honest, all I wanted to do was run like the wind out of there.

I was excited enough walking in there, with my pen ready and the LLC's checkbook in my bag. I had already exchanged a few emails with Miss M earlier that morning and we laughed about how we were both giddy with butterflies. Miss M and her husband, Mr J, were already there when Husband and I arrived. We all walked around the studio taking measurements and imagining what the space could eventually look like. Landlord and the men discussed the demolition and the more technical aspects, while Miss M and I talked colors and motif. I even made Miss M pose with the deposit check while I took pictures on my cellphone. I think my adrenaline peaked when we tested out the keys that Landlord handed to us.

When Landlord left with the check secure in his pocket, the little whispers of doubt began caressing my head. Had I made a mistake? Would I go down in financial flames? What if Miss M decided she wanted out? What if I wasn't good enough? What if we threw a party and no one came???? This is why I was an independent contractor for so long: I could come in, teach my class, and then leave. I wasn't involved with the day-to-day business side of things; I wasn't responsible for anything other than teaching a good, quality class. My stomach tightened and I fought the urge to sink down to the ground in fetal position.

Fear of failure is a laughable concept to someone who was never expected to succeed much in life. But fear of success is a real bitch. I think what scares me silly is that DollHouse Pole Studio really has a chance to make it. I'm not talking about world domination (although one can only hope...) but I'd be thrilled with creating classes that might inspire women to find their own power. And Boulder is ripe for the experience. My old friend, Bootsie, once said "if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always gotten." Well, what I've always gotten doesn't seem very fulfilling anymore. I've always played it safe with the comfortable net of failure to catch me. So with that in mind, it's time to pull my head out of the sand and take a risk. I could run frantically after Landlord, rip up the check and dissolve my partnership with Miss M, or I could grow up and see where this ride is going to take me.

I sat down on the floor of the soon-to-be DollHouse Pole Studio with Miss M to calculate the days until a Grand Opening.